Today I finally sat down to write my scholarship application for the Floret Farmer-Florist Intensive. I started following Erin's flower journey before I even planted a single seed. I am one of a large flower loving mob that turns to her for inspiration and flower growing know how. I dream of seeing her farm in all of its glory and therefore, apply to her scholarship each year.
This year was a tough one. Not surprising, they get a gazillion applicants every year and so this year they had a more stream lined application. 800 characters (including spaces) per question. Go.
EeeeEee. Not so easy when you are trying to reveal your hopes and struggles.
But I think the reason I struggled with it so much this year is because the questions she was asking are represent bigger ones I have been asking myself.
Mainly this one:
"What the *@#$ do you WANT Jessica!?!"
Not, "What should you do? What makes sense? What's the right thing to do?"
I pride myself in being decisive and downright bold in other parts of my life.
Little know fact: I have a poppy tattoo, inspired by a Mary Oliver poem I love. I had wanted a tattoo for a while. One Saturday I woke up and said, "Poppy tattoo. Its happening. Today." I went by myself, drawing in hand. By dinner I was sporting my burning new art work.
But when it comes to my career, dare I say calling...it's my anchor. Bless my patient friends, family, and dear husband. They've been there through it all and lately, things have come to a head of sorts.
Hence my scholarship application.
Writing it was a struggle because those 800 characters represented where do I want to go from here. I had to grapple with it all AND be concise.
This is where I arrived:
"Choosing to grow flowers is an act of independence and affirmation for me. I want to grow flowers. I want to be a farmer. I want to live my life outdoors and experiencing nature everyday. I want it to be my testament."
I want to dedicate this year to devouring farming knowledge. I want to study under a flower guru. I want to take this year to patch up the holes and at the end of it feel more whole."
But as I walk forward, that old anchor still holds me back and keeps me doubting. I have dedicated this year to moving forward, boldly and with strength. I am learning how face the weight of my fears."
They say the best way to hold yourself accountable to a resolution is to write it down and share it with others.
So hold me to this folks. Be my witnesses. Keep me honest. And bold.